There is not a day that goes past where i dont think of my baby girl.. but lately as my current pregnancy progresses I have had to start believing that this is actually going to happen - i am actually going to bring a baby home.. i still have a constant fear that it wont be happening but i have to believe.. in doing so i have had to do things that i didnt get a chance to do for Matilda.. things like washing baby clothes, setting up a nursery, organising car seats and the like..
so yesterday i took some time out to spend focused soley on Matilda and found myself in tears.. on my bedside table i have a photo of matilda and her ashes as well as her birth certificate... its so hard to imagine that this is all i have of my precious daughter.. i wished so much that i could hold her again.. just for one moment.. to give her a kiss, tell her i love her, tell her i miss her and all those other things i will never get a chance to say or do for her..
i miss you baby bear.. xxx

Miss you bubby..

I miss you little bear... thank you for looking out for me and your dad and your little brother.

We will be thinking about you, we always do, but this weekend is fathers day and your dad will no miss you more than ever. You know he wanted you more than anything in the whole world and he loves you more than anything even though you are not with us in body.

love you my baby girl

Happy Birthday Baby Bear

Dearest Matilda,

Happy Birthday my beautiful bear.. i miss you so much... every day... no words will ever explain. I hope you liked the pink balloons your dad and i sent you today.

I love you
xxxxxxxxx

that dreaded question

I notice that a number of my fellow BLM carrying rainbow babies are currently experiencing that dreaded question - "is this your first" and the many versions in which is comes...

I have been thinking about the question alot and how I wanted to answer it.. I felt like if i had an answer prepared in my head then it would be alot easier to answer without getting emotional. I think I had arrived at this decision because I am starting to show and also starting to tell people and because it is nearly Matilda's birthday.

A few days ago I went to a day spa... i booked in for a pregnancy massage... i just KNEW the girl was going to ask me... and she did... is this your first - all i said was yes... why? because she looked all of 17 years old and i couldn't bring myself to shatter her innocence.. i have no doubt she saw my tattoo of Matilda's name.. but she never asked me about it... she then carried on with the questions about whether i knew the sex and if i was excited etc...

on Sunday gone, i was at the football, I've been going for the past 16 years and i sit near the same family every week and this week out of no where the mother of the family asked me if i "had any kids?" she has three - the last of which is a 10 month old girl and would have been approximately Matilda's age. All i could do was point to my belly - i couldn't bring myself to say anything in addition..

I hate myself for not telling them about Matilda... it is in no way because i doubt her as my first baby... i just don't need the sympathy looks from another person - you know? the lady at the football i see on a regular basis and i don't  want her to think of me as that person whose baby died all the time.. i just want to be "normal" in some aspects of my life. Funnily enough she never knew about my pregnancy with Matilda because I never really showed due to her IUGR.

*sigh*

Happy Birthday Oliver

The 30th July was Oliver's second birthday - how much I wish this little guy was here on earth with his parents.

I didn't find out about Oliver until after Matilda was born. Oliver's dad works with me and has been an amazing source of support since i returned to work - initially when i was new to baby loss and now that im in the world of rainbow babies.

I do hope Oliver had a nice birthday where ever he was. I hope he has found my Matilda and they play together everyday and keep each other company. He is a lucky boy to have such a fantastic family!

Happy Birthday little man! xxx

Soapbox moment...

please excuse my rant... let me begin by saying that perhaps i feel this way because i don't have a living baby in my life.. as yet none of my friends have babies and so i guess i've just never been in a position to understand the following...

why do people choose to describe babies as angels... ie.. a face book announcement welcoming the "most precious little angel so and so arrived today etc etc etc" when i see these my immediate reaction is to say congratulations but your baby really isnt an angel and for that you must be ever grateful... alas.. i refrain...

i am not religious, but i went to a catholic school and i suppose my definition of "angel" is formed based on my religious education.. so basically.. an angel is someone who has died.. i guess that is why i hate seeing that word being used to describe living babies/children..

if anyone has any insights that may make me more comfortable with this word association i would love to hear it.. or am i alone on this?

11 months today

I cant believe that you are nearly 1 year old my little bear. You should have been 7 months... you should have been in your bassinet next to me... some days i find it hard to believe you are mine and that we actually met... other days i feel like someone has ripped my heart out and that we met just yesterday...

thank you for looking after your baby brother.. i know you are looking out for him..  know that we will never forget you and he will always know about you, his big sister and how awesome you were.

I haven't worked out what we are going to do for your birthday yet. Im going to send you up some balloons so keep an eye out for them.

I hope you have found tilly who is nearly 1 too and also little oliver - he will be two on the 30th July. I wish i could be there to take you to your friends birthday parties and i also wish your friends didn't have to be without their parents on their birthdays..

i miss you poppet. i love you forever!

xx

ugh! people!

ok im going to vent here... just a warning...

why do people think that just because i am pregnant again that i am OVER the loss of my child?? case in point... a lady returned to work in our branch in the last week - shes been on maternity leave.... she's had 12 months off work to play with and bond with her child...

she knew i was pregnant but her daughter was born one month before Matilda was born... but she knows what happened... upon returning to work she comes up to me to offer her congratulations... i have a new stance on this salutation - i dont want to hear it until i bring my baby home...alive... regardless i accepted it and said that not many people knew and i'd like it to remain that way - i am not sure how she found out...

following my saying this, she proceeds to offer me her babies things, i was a bit shocked but i managed to respond with , no thanks we are waiting for this one to be born before we start getting it things - we have most things already so theres no urgency - to which her response was, "yes thats a good idea".... seriously what the hell does that mean.. one minute your offering me your stuff and the next your saying its best i dont take it?? i dont need you undermining my ability to carry this baby and bring him home alive! i do that enough on my own thank you very much...

a few days later, she corners me towards the end of the day to ask how i am doing, if im getting enough support at work with this new pregnancy etc... i responded politely and left it at that..

next morning, she comes into the office declaring how its her babys first birthday next week, how time flies, blah blah blah.... not to mention all the carry on about how the kid doesnt sleep and its making her life hell! and all i cant think of is "yeah my baby is nearly a year old too and shes not here... and time hasnt flown one bit... i still miss her every day etc etc etc..."

later that day she bring her child into the office and brings it over to me... and tries to introduce it to me - i smiled politely and kept doing my work... i feel like she thinks that just because im pregnant again im ok with hearing about and seeing her kid... well im not!

i feel like its being rubbed in my face... i think i feel particular angst towards this person because before she knew the gender of her child, she made comments like "if its a boy ill give it up for adoption" lucky for her she got a girl...

its not that i dont care... its more that i cant handle it.. i still cant face new borns and 1 years olds... because looking at them is a constant reminder of what i dont have... i particularly struggle with girls and those that are around the same age as my girl...

needless to say i came home that night and was a wreck... this is already a difficult month and i really dont need my face rubbed in it... even if its unintentional... *sigh*

my only saving grace is that she is leaving in the next week for good and im secretly super happy that thats one less comparison to matilda that i will have to endure on a regular basis in future..

sorry people, thankyou for listening... i needed to get this out as im home alont at the moment and have no one to vent to in the real world!

i dreamed a dream

isnt it funny how sometimes things happen just like you dreamed.. on matilda's due date i woke up in a panic.. over come by guilt... because i had in fact been dreaming of another baby... even though i was not pregnant at the time i was having a thought about another baby when i really should have been dreaming of my girl!

in the dream i dreamt of a little boy.. i wasnt sure if he was mine or when i would meet him.. when i fell pregnant earlier this year.. i knew.. my dream ws a sign from matilda.. i was going to have a little boy.. still i didnt want to presume anything..

yesterday at my ob appointment i found out matilda is in fact going to have a little brother... isnt that just fantastic!!!

i miss you sweet pea... more than forever..

its been a while...

So its been over a month since i have blogged. I have had a bit on my mind, of particular significance is the fact that we are pregnant again! Its officially 11 weeks and 3 days and i didnt know when i would be comfortable enough to share this news with everyone but i figure now is a good time. I have started a blog for cashew because i would like to keep this blog at Matilda's space.

I am sure she is looking our for us already and i find i talk to her more now than i have in a long time. I feel she is watching over us more than ever. even as a couple, we seem to talk about her more together than we have since the months following her birth.

Matilda will always be our first born daughter and she will always be cashew's older sister. I sometimes worry that my partner forgets her.. but i know now more than ever that he misses her every day and that just because he doesn't say it out loud it doesn't mean other wise.

I do have the best beau in the world!

a random thought

its been a while since my last post... i suppose you could say i have been internalising... i have found myself in a new realm of grief... alas.. thats another post..

while driving home today i had this thought... regarding peoples non-recognition of angel babies..

if a person's parent dies do we assume that parent never existed? no... if a sibling dies we still acknowledge that person... so why then when a baby dies (particularly if she still born - well at least in my case) do people choose to ignore her like she never existed? why do people say i still don't have any children? the same people that wanted buy gifts and make plans for and with the baby in question?

i was talking about life before Matilda yesterday, and referring to a situation before she was born as my pre-child state... to which the person i was speaking to said "and you still dont have any children"...

well excuse me..... but i think you will find that i do!!!!

so there!

Remembering you always

Baby bear, I got this today in your memory.. Now everything I do, I'll be sharing with you.



Thank you for the signs.. Daddy sees them too.. I love you and miss you always.. Xxx

Today

Today is the 8th of march.. This time last year was the first day of my last period before we found out we were expecting.. Sigh... Feeling like I've been kicked in the guts all over again..

who is matilda bear?

sometimes people are just dumb... they ask the dumbest questions... and sometimes i'd really like to yell at them...

this week has been a rotten week at work.. you know the kind of week where you want to curl up under your desk and cry because the work is so frustrating that your dont know how else to deal with it? Wells thats how my week has been and it peaked yesterday at about 2pm..

i called one of my colleagues into office and asked him to help me out with something.. after he helped me out.. he randomly says "who is matilda bear?" i said "matilda is my daughter" he says "what the one you have next?" i say "no, the one that died" he says "oh, so you knew what it was?" i said "yes"

what i wanted to say was... "YES!! the one i had to give birth to knowing full well that i would never see her cry, walk, laugh, sneeze, play, go to school, date boys, get married, have her own babies. the one i carried in my belly for 5 months, in my hands for one day and in my heart forever. the one i just told you was a girl and you still referred to as IT!"

but i just said yes...

he read her name from a card that my boss gave me on my due date... its a beautiful card with butterflies and stars on it and all thats written on it is "for Matilda Bear".. i keep it on my desk at work..

im not really sure what prompted such a daft question.. i mean everyone knows what happened.. so its not like he was oblivious.. i wonder if it would have annoyed me so much if i hadn't had a crap week.. i think it would.. Now that i've written this, i'm mostly annoyed that he called my daughter "IT" and not at all that he asked the question...

:(

Cruise Control

This is one of the loves of my life..... isnt he magnificent? My pride and joy for five years.. the first car i ever bought - brand new too.. the car i always wanted when i was a kid (my barbie had a pink jeep)

Then early 2009 we decided I should bite the bullet and get a family car.. a 2 door jeep with no room for a pram just wasn't going to be practical.. after much hesitation and the fear of letting my jeep go i got one of these...

i like it.. but i dont love it... i wonder some days if i might love it if i had my squealing little baby in the back?

saying that though.. this car has gotten me through the past six months and im not sure how i would have done the same in the jeep.. you see this car has cruise control.. you just set the speed limit and steer paying some attention but you can get away with not paying as much attention.. from the day i had to drive myself home from the OB appointment where our world fell apart to very recently.. i have come to rely on cruise control.. i find my car the only place i can feel how i want to feel.. my brain moves through the thoughts it wants to (and most of the time they are about matilda) and my concentration span is expanded by the fact im not paying attention to the speed limit.. the car does that - i think about the fact that i literally cant remember physically driving the car to and from work and it scares me..

when i got to thinking about this the other day - i actually shuddered at the thought of how dangerous this is... so i have decided that i will no longer use cruise control.. i have had a few slips and find myself turing it on intuitively but i correct my self right away and turn it off...

some days i feel like my entire life is in cruise control and i am not really sure how to stop that.. i go on, the world goes on.. i am not in control... if only i could find the switch!

The zoo without you

Hi baby bear,

we went to the zoo this weekend... you already know the zoo is one of my favourite places... i was sad to see all the little families walking around and I could see dad's face looking a bit sad too.. we missed you so much.. I know you would have liked the zoo..

the sun bears (the only bears left at the zoo) were having a great old time and i sat there and watched them for ages.. i think they and maybe the giraffes would have been your favourites.. i took these photos of the little sun bear playing and it reminded me of you and how you might have giggled in awe had you seen it.

I hope you are having a nice day sweet heart.. i miss you terribly

love you always my girl

xxxx

Meet you at the Sunset Meeting - January Meeting

This months meeting is about the holiday season and how you coped. What was it like for you? Did you do anything special in your childs memory?

Christmas in our house is big… 2009 was meant to be Matilda’s first Christmas… there was meant to be oodles of gifts under the tree for her – instead there were none. Her Christmas frock that her dad bought her was packed away in her special little suitcase..

I found christmas eve to be harder than christmas – I was depressed.. our house was full of guests and while festive cheer and merriment seem to permeate the house all I could hear was the silence.. the silence of no baby crying.. Matilda should have been 2 weeks old.. I excused myself at about 10pm and went to bed to cry myself to sleep..

Christmas day.. again something was missing but I think grieving the night before helped me to stay sane the day after. That and the fact that Christmas was at our house and we were in the kitchen preparing the feast most of the day...

Truth be told, I also had the support of a few glasses of G&T on Christmas day to help me through!

We honoured Matilda in a few little ways.. One of my girl friends bought me an angel ornament with Matilda’s name on it that we put on the tree. She is Chinese and so was tell me about a Buddhist ritual where they light incense on special occasions and leave it near an open window to welcome spirits of loved ones into the house – and she gave me some incense and the instructions to repeat the ritual. So I did that on Christmas morning.. in addition to lighting Matilda’s candle while we were opening presents. I would have liked to do more.. but by the same token I feel like I would have crumbled into a ball of grief if we had. Perhaps this year Christmas can be more of a celebration rather than a memorial.

I am glad there are no other children in the family yet and that we didn’t have to put on a brave face and watch any children playing and having fun – I know that’s selfish but it felt right that there were no other children present. 

Leaving her mark...

As I imagine most new baby loss mamas do, I was looking for any way in which I could honour the life of our Matilda. I treasure every memento I have that signifies her short existence but recently, I have been looking for a way in which to honour her memory and ensure she leaves her mark on the world.

I recently came across Kiva, a micro financing website that allows people to lend money ($25 USD is the amount you lend) to entrepreneurs from poverty stricken countries, as a means of assisting them to break the cycle of poverty and improving their lives as well as their families. I decided that I would start lending money to some of these entrepreneurs as a way to ensure Matilda leaves her mark.

I could tell you all about Kiva or I could just direct you to their site – I have set up a lending team called ‘Gone too soon’ to honour Matilda and all the other little munchkins who have left us too soon and ensure they leave their marks on the world. Feel free to join the team if this is something you would like to do.

My plan is that everytime I see something cute and wish I could buy that for my little girl (which still happens 6 months since she was born), I will go online and loan that money to another person in her honour.

So for I have found this to be quiet a good way of helping other people.. the way it works is that you lend someone $25 and they pay you back (through a lending agency) in instalments. You can then take your money and opt out or you can re-lend that money to someone else. For example, I lent $25 to two ladies in the Philippines and Ukraine who recently repaid me some of it – so I have used that  money to help out a group of ladies in Afghanistan.

I have set up a map (thankyou google) where I will be pinning every location in the world Matilda leaves her mark on. 

Anyway, if this is something that inspires you, feel free to join the team!

butterflies

I met this butterfly in Chennai (Madras), India in 2008. I often think about it and how beautiful it was. I know alot of my fellow baby loss mamas associate butterflies with their babies so I thought I would share it with you. 

I met this lovely creature before I had Matilda, but the way it flitted about and danced with me made me think that we knew each other.. or at least that we were meant to meet each other.. 

Isn't it wonderful!

I too, think of my p-nut when I see butterflies now! 

Love you little bear! xx

Secret Garden Meeting - new site

Hi all,

for those of you who don't know, Carly has changed the name of the secret garden meeting due to assist us keep our meetings secret.

The New Name is Meet You At The Sunset and can be found at http://meetyouatthesunset.blogspot.com/

for those of you who are new to the baby loss mama world, let me assure you that the meetings are a great place to share your thoughts or even to meet other women in the same place as you are.. i hope it brings you all as much comfort as it brings to me.. 

Lana 

a party in the sky...

This week two beautiful boys celebrated their birthdays - Dominic turned 1 on the 24^th and Christian turned 3 on the 26^th. How I wish you were both here, with your lovely mothers and families. I have no doubt that both of you are looking down smiling at your brand new little siblings. I’m sorry we couldn’t be there for your party in the sky, but we will always look up and think of you both. Happy birthday little men!

Matilda Bear...

Matilda Bear was born at 9:29pm on Wednesday the 5th August 2009. 

I have a blood condition (Anti-phosp.holipid Anti.body Synd.rome) that causes my blood to clot unnecessarily. I am on treatment for life.. I like to refer to this condition as sludgeblood.. As a result of being "treated" I am, I suppose, a drug induced haemophiliac! Having this condition was always going to affect my ability to carry a baby to full term. 

However, we believed we were in the best care, doing the right thing and were eagerly awaiting the arrival of our P-nut. Alas, this is how our story unfolds... Upon finding out we were pregnant, I was moved off my medication onto one that would not cross the placenta and moved into the care of an excellent OB (I can not praise him enough). We attended our appointments with him and we were all pleased with how the pregnancy was progressing. At our 14 week appointment he pointed out how p-nut was "a good looking baby" and he was happy with the development.. she remained on track to be born early December 09. 

Up until now we had been controlled not to buy too many little things - adamant to wait until we knew wether it would be pink or blue... we only bought the things we knew wouldn't matter.. the car seat, the pram, the bassinet... we were having the backyard finished and the laundry done so the little one would have somewhere to play and somewhere to be washed... At our 19 week scan appointment, the sonographer told us the news we were eagerly awaiting - P-nut was a girl! Boy were we chuffed! she also mentioned that P-nut was measuring 2 weeks small for her dates.. but we had no idea what this meant.. mum said i was a small baby too so i didnt worry too much. 

Two weeks later my partner was off in Victoria having some R&R before he started a new job. I took my mum to the 21 week OB appointment..it was Thursday.. i had a feeling something was wrong.. Matilda (we had decided on her name now) was not moving as much and I just felt very average.. but i tired to think positive and went to the appointment hoping to be told she was still a good looking baby.. Could the outcome have been further from my hopes.. I have no idea how long i was in that room.. as soon as the ultrasound machine was turned on I knew something was wrong - p-nuts heart was still strong but there was next to no fluid around her.. he confirmed what I feared and booked me into see a specialist 4 days later.. he told me that there was very little chance that p-nut would be alive at the next scan...

I had no idea how to react to this.. all i remember him saying was "she probably wont make it to the next scan" - I didn't get why he was saying this - she was still alive i could see her little heart beat.. it was strong! how was I supposed to tell my partner this news over the phone...the day before he was so excited telling me how he'd bought his little girl a dress for christmas.. somehow I managed to tell him and somehow he managed to get home earlier than he had planned.. that was perhaps the longest weekend of my life... 

I layed on the couch feeling every little movement Matilda made.. knowing that they were likely to be her last... willing myself to think positively.. I know in my heart that she passed away on Sunday morning.. On Monday we went to the specialist and heard the dreaded words.. I was booked in to the hospital on wednesday the 5th August where I gave birth to our beautiful baby bear... she was so perfect in every way just tiny.. the tiniest little human being I'd ever seen.. so hard to imagine... so hard to believe.. 

We have since been back to the specialist and he gives us hope that we will be able to try again using a different treatment regime and hopefully we will have a different result... but that doesn't make the prospect of being pregnant again any easier to deal with..

do you ever get the feeling...

do you ever get the feeling that you want to go home.. and then you realise you are home..

like you want your life back and then you realise that this is your life...

thats me..

not a good way to start a weekend... but that is just when i am..

in a dark, sad, lonely, foreign place....

bubby...

sweet girl.. your unicorn arrived today... i named her tilly and registered a star in your name.. i choose a star in the crux constellation.. thats the southern cross one... i chose that one because its right above our house and every time i stand in the backyard and stare into the sky it's the one constellation i always see... i hope you like it... i hope your out there having fun playing in the stars..

i miss you baby.. daddy misses you too.. it was his birthday on the weekend and we were sitting in a lovely restaurant having dinner and then we started talking about you and how if you were born in december that you would have been one month old.. dad said he would give up everything to have you here... he doesn't say things out loud but i know his heart is broken just as much as mine...

anyhow darling girl i hope you are well - i love you forever!

xxxxxxxx

Bubby...

sweet girl,

i miss you today.. i miss you every day more than words can say but yet some days i miss you even more.. i don't understand it myself but thats just how i feel..

today is your dad's birthday... im sure he too wishes you were here to give him special bday snuggles and to wake him up screaming in the middle of the night.. you would have been a little over a month old...

i hope you are safe and warm and playing to your hearts content where ever you are my baby girl.

i love you..

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Happy Birthday Jamie

Today is a sad day... the kind of day where you get slapped in the face by the world that is "baby loss"...

Today is Jamie's second birthday.. I'm pretty certain she's having a party.. I imagine there are angel cakes - the yummy meringue cupcake types.. I imagine she has her little friends, Dominic and Matilda by her side.. the saddest part is that she is not here on earth celebrating with her mum and dad.. Jamie's mum and I are friends through what you could call a mothers group.. an exclusive one in which mothers come when they have no living babies.. I often wonder how new mothers can just go to a group and become friends - just like that.. with only their children in common.. now days i understand.. Happy birthday sweet girl.. i miss you.. your parents miss you.. and everyone wishes you were here..

Today... my director (my boss' boss) became a grandfather for the first time.. all is well with mother and child.. but today makes me sad.. i remember going into his office to tell him I was pregnant.. he said thats wonderful and proceeded to tell me that his daughter was pregnant too and she was due 1 month after me.. so i suppose the fact that her baby was born alive and well today feels like a slap in the face..

further.. he came into our office a few weeks ago carrying on about what his daughter wanted to name the baby if it was a girl and how much he hated the name etc etc... turns out she wanted to name her baby matilda if it was a girl.. my response was "thats my daughter's name" to which his response was "oh sh*t - i should leave now"

well it is a girl.. i dont know what its name is.. i havent asked.. i hope she named her daughter matilda - i think its a beautiful name... by the same token it would feel like another slap in the face to know that her matilda is alive and mine isn't..

*sigh* i guess the down had to come to 2010 eventually!

Welcome 2010

So now that the new year has officially started.. its been a positive start.. a fellow baby loss mama, who lost her precious Dominic, delivered the beautiful Liam on the 5th Jan. He's very cute and doing well for a 27 weeker!

Liam makes me so happy.. even though i have never met his mother in real life, she is a source of constant support over the past few months. Liam's mother has the same poxy sludge blood that I do and Dominic and Matilda died due to the same condition. So for Liam to make it into this world alive and doing so well is truly a miracle and the source of endless hope in our household! Welcome to the world little Liam!

In other news, discussions in our household of late have included adoption and surrogacy. I know its pretty early in our attempt to get pregnant again but it just kinda came up. I'm glad it did. Now its out in the open and we are both thinking that both options are viable ways of adding to our family. We think that having a little rainbow family like Brangilina would be excellent!

Not a lot else to report.. the year is progressing well!

Happy New Year everyone :)

me..

I was driving home from work this afternoon thinking about how I always seem so down in my blog entries. I came to to conclusion that it is because my blog is pretty much the only avenue in my life that I have, where I can be truly sad. I can be blue at home and my partner is OK with it but apart from that I am always the happy bubbly person I once was.

I am a happy person.. but i do have a broken heart.. I am going to endeavour to have more happy posts!

Wish me luck!

2009, the year that was..

The more I think about what’s to come in 2010, I feel that I need to reflect on what actually happened in 2009.

2009 started off as a great year.. we started off the year in Goa, India, sitting on a beach, eating, drinking, playing cricket and the rest.. we travelled around India and Dubai and returned home mid-Jan.

In late March, BIL came to visit, nothing out of the ordinary.. took a week off to eat and hangout with him.. he left on the 7th April.. I found out I was pregnant on the 7th of April. We had been trying but we were still a bit shocked by the news – in a WOW kinda way!

April.. we were beaming.. told my mother and my brother about the impending baby and all was well.

May, I got a new job.. yay.. a bit more money and a lot more fun than my last job.. End of first trimester – I was telling everyone.. I was the first of my friends to get pregnant – everyone was so excited.. the guys at work began to run a sweep regarding gender and potential names!

June was business as usual - a few more scans, the OB told us we had a "very good looking baby"

July.. we had our 19 week scan - found out we were having a little girl (yayayayaya) - we were told she was a bit small but didn't think anything of it having not been through anything like this before.. my partner got a new job.. quit his old job and went to melbourne for a week to rest! 30th july I had a scan that would shatter all our dreams.. OB told me "your baby most probably wont be alive at the next scan and moved us into the specialists hands..

August.. we met with the specialist only to be told that our baby was no longer alive.. 5th August.. i gave birth to my beautiful girl.. Matilda... the rest of August is very much of a blur..

September.. returned to work.. interesting experience.. some people avoided me, some people ignored what had just happened and a few people said sorry.. later that month i went to the Beyonce concert - i was sooo excited about taking my baby to that concert and now i knew that wouldnt happen.. i cried during the concert but thankfully no one noticed..

October... nothing of great note happened in october..

November.. my birthday was the day i wanted Matilda to be induced.. alot of people told me i was crazy but i wanted to share my day with my bubby.. my birthday was a sad day.. but i was surrounded by friends and kept busy so i made it through..

December.. Matilda's due date was the 13th.. it was meant to be Matilda's first xmas.. I'm glad December is over..