robbed..

today should have been the first day of my maternity leave.. thats making the assumption that i delivered Matilda on her due date.. 13th December 2009...

i should have been running around organising nappies and tidying her room, washing all her little clothes so they were soft and fluffy and ready for her.. i should have been doing so many things..

i feel robbed..

robbed of the experience of being a mother to a living baby.. robbed of the experience of sharing the joy with my beau... robbed of spending christmas cooing in amazement... robbed of the opportunity to ever have a carefree happy stressless pregnancy ever again...

my baby was robbed... robbed of the life she would have had with her dad and i doting on her..

finding it hard not to be angry at the moment.. its not in the spirit of xmas i know, but right now i couldn't care less...

bubby...

Hi Sweetheart..

I have been thinking about you sooo much this past week.. tomorrow is my birthday.. tomorrow i hoped would be your birthday too.. but it wont be..

i dont know how i will feel tomorrow.. but i dont think i will get the chance to write to you so i thought i would just write for you today.. you already know i love you and how much i miss you.. but no matter how many times i say it please know that i mean it each and every time..

we picked up little Rory last weekend - hes a little terror.. cute though so we forgive him for just ab

out everything.. he keeps harassing Gussy.. I'm sure one day soon Gus is going to swipe him badly.. but i can blame Gus.. he is being rather patient.. anyway a picture is attached..

I also thought you might like a picture of dad.. i know he still misses you even though he hardly says anything.. i know he will always love you even though he doesnt say anything..

i hope you are happy and safe where ever you are my little girl..

love you always

xx

bubby...

Hi Baby,

I miss you.. but you know that..

I'm feeling generally poxy... reasons include:

• Today should have been another Tilly's birthday - instead she too had to leave her mum and dad and i hope is with you!
• I heard this story repeatedly on the radio this afternoon.. a lady was being interviewed and her baby was born with deformed hands.. and the announcers kept saying "every mothers nightmare" or something like that.. i tell you what, thats a nightmare i would have liked to have had.. i want to contact them and tell them that that is not everymothers nightmare.. i know they werent saying that to offend anyone but by the same token i wish they realised that there are mummys out there who dont have any hands at all... deformed or otherwise
• if you were still here you would officially be less than four weeks away.. i can imagine how i would have felt.. i can imagine how dad would be running around organising your room and packing my hospital bag neatly (not like i would! hehe) but no.. instead i sit here on the couch with gus next to me and dad away for work.. crying and remembering that in 4 minutes it will have been 15 weeks since you were born..

Sorry to be a downer tonight bubby but i miss you soo very much and i want you back more than anything... im sick of everyone saying what do you want for your birthday or xmas.. i want you.. i want to be able to say "i want my matilda back" and i want the people asking to say "sure no problem" and turn up with you in their arms but i know thats not going to happen..

anyway baby im going to try and be more positive this coming week - its going to be tough...

you are always in my thoughts..

i wish i could give you a snuggle...

:(

ugh...

I am officially over hearing about other people's babies and happy families.. I know thats not nice but thats how I feel..

At work people are starting to forget (I guess) what I have been through.. I dont want them to forget.. I want people to acknowledge you.. Theres another lady in my office who is pregnant.. people ask her questions like when are you due or how many weeks are you and she has the luxury of being blasé about it..

Theres another one who used to work in the area who spent the first 20 weeks of her pregnancy saying that she didnt want to keep her baby if it was a boy.. how can anyone say that? i just dont get it.. and luckily for her she ended up with a daughter.. who she is over the moon with...

hmmpf...

Bubby...

Hi sweetie,

I went to the shops today to buy some christmas presents.. I ended up finding a figurine of a little bear with angel wings.. I bought it for you.. it reminds me of you.. i have put it near your ashes and your photo..

Yesterday we took Hamish to the dog show and the lady we bought him from put him in the dog show and he won!! He is the best boy puppy in WA :) He even won a ribbon! you would have been so proud!

I took some photos of Hamish and Gus today while I was playing with them in the backyard.. I hope you like them.

Miss you baby!

Secret Garden Meeting

Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

Hmmm… good question… I don’t really know… I am still sad every day… I thought I was getting there but now I question that.. just when I think I’m starting to feel better something happens that takes me back to where I was almost three and a half months ago when my baby died. I am two people – firstly the same person I was before my baby died (this is who I am in public) and then theres the me who is still devastated, broken, sitting here on the couch with a shattered heart wondering why me and shedding at least a tear every night.. sigh…

I feel OK but I feel different.. like there’s this new part of me and yet somehow in a strange way that same part is missing.. there is nothing I wouldn’t give to bring that part back but I know that there is nothing I can do to bring her back..

I feel crap when I hear about how other people’s pregnancies are going well.. not because I wish any ill-will on them, but because I am jealous.. its hard to admit that but it’s the truth..

I am also starting to feel angry with people I see parenting in public.. like parents who threaten to break their children’s fingers because they are misbehaving at the supermarket or those who carry their newborns with a cigarette hanging out of their mouths..

I also feel happy some days.. happy that I have a baby girl out there watching over me and her dad..

I hope in the future that I will feel happier, I hope that I will not shed a tear every night.. I hope that we will have a healthy successful pregnancy soon so that Matilda will have a baby sibling… and that her death will not have been in vain..

I feel scared.. scared about how I am going to survive the next few months.. firstly I have to survive my birthday – they day I wanted my baby to be induced, then I have to face my baby’s due date and then somehow I want to survive Christmas knowing that my baby’s Christmas dress is packed away in a box with all her other special things! I hope I survive.. I’m sick of crying..

I have found peace.. I know my baby is gone.. I understand that she will never come back.. I am at peace with that.. I am not at peace with the fact that this happened to me and my lovely partner.. its not fair…

a realisation

I have been reading the blogs of other families who have lost babies and came across a comment saying "it doesnt get better does it?"

I thought about it for a moment and realised that it does get better but it will never be the same... Matilda will always be missing from our lives, but having had her with us for 5 short months has changed my life forever..

My current dilemma... what do you say when people say how many kids do you have? or do you have any kids? Clearly this is a question that only gets asked when you first meet a person.. so do you say none to make them feel better or do you tell them the truth and not ignore the fact that you do have a child? I dunno...

some photos i took for you!

I decided to write Matilda's name on a few things - it makes me feel connected to her in a strange way.. i hope she would like them.. i'm going to try to do this more often so look forward to seeing more!