Matilda Bear...

Matilda Bear was born at 9:29pm on Wednesday the 5th August 2009. 

I have a blood condition (Anti-phosp.holipid Anti.body Synd.rome) that causes my blood to clot unnecessarily. I am on treatment for life.. I like to refer to this condition as sludgeblood.. As a result of being "treated" I am, I suppose, a drug induced haemophiliac! Having this condition was always going to affect my ability to carry a baby to full term. 

However, we believed we were in the best care, doing the right thing and were eagerly awaiting the arrival of our P-nut. Alas, this is how our story unfolds... Upon finding out we were pregnant, I was moved off my medication onto one that would not cross the placenta and moved into the care of an excellent OB (I can not praise him enough). We attended our appointments with him and we were all pleased with how the pregnancy was progressing. At our 14 week appointment he pointed out how p-nut was "a good looking baby" and he was happy with the development.. she remained on track to be born early December 09. 

Up until now we had been controlled not to buy too many little things - adamant to wait until we knew wether it would be pink or blue... we only bought the things we knew wouldn't matter.. the car seat, the pram, the bassinet... we were having the backyard finished and the laundry done so the little one would have somewhere to play and somewhere to be washed... At our 19 week scan appointment, the sonographer told us the news we were eagerly awaiting - P-nut was a girl! Boy were we chuffed! she also mentioned that P-nut was measuring 2 weeks small for her dates.. but we had no idea what this meant.. mum said i was a small baby too so i didnt worry too much. 

Two weeks later my partner was off in Victoria having some R&R before he started a new job. I took my mum to the 21 week OB appointment..it was Thursday.. i had a feeling something was wrong.. Matilda (we had decided on her name now) was not moving as much and I just felt very average.. but i tired to think positive and went to the appointment hoping to be told she was still a good looking baby.. Could the outcome have been further from my hopes.. I have no idea how long i was in that room.. as soon as the ultrasound machine was turned on I knew something was wrong - p-nuts heart was still strong but there was next to no fluid around her.. he confirmed what I feared and booked me into see a specialist 4 days later.. he told me that there was very little chance that p-nut would be alive at the next scan...

I had no idea how to react to this.. all i remember him saying was "she probably wont make it to the next scan" - I didn't get why he was saying this - she was still alive i could see her little heart beat.. it was strong! how was I supposed to tell my partner this news over the phone...the day before he was so excited telling me how he'd bought his little girl a dress for christmas.. somehow I managed to tell him and somehow he managed to get home earlier than he had planned.. that was perhaps the longest weekend of my life... 

I layed on the couch feeling every little movement Matilda made.. knowing that they were likely to be her last... willing myself to think positively.. I know in my heart that she passed away on Sunday morning.. On Monday we went to the specialist and heard the dreaded words.. I was booked in to the hospital on wednesday the 5th August where I gave birth to our beautiful baby bear... she was so perfect in every way just tiny.. the tiniest little human being I'd ever seen.. so hard to imagine... so hard to believe.. 

We have since been back to the specialist and he gives us hope that we will be able to try again using a different treatment regime and hopefully we will have a different result... but that doesn't make the prospect of being pregnant again any easier to deal with..