butterflies

I met this butterfly in Chennai (Madras), India in 2008. I often think about it and how beautiful it was. I know alot of my fellow baby loss mamas associate butterflies with their babies so I thought I would share it with you. 

I met this lovely creature before I had Matilda, but the way it flitted about and danced with me made me think that we knew each other.. or at least that we were meant to meet each other.. 

Isn't it wonderful!

I too, think of my p-nut when I see butterflies now! 

Love you little bear! xx

Secret Garden Meeting - new site

Hi all,

for those of you who don't know, Carly has changed the name of the secret garden meeting due to assist us keep our meetings secret.

The New Name is Meet You At The Sunset and can be found at http://meetyouatthesunset.blogspot.com/

for those of you who are new to the baby loss mama world, let me assure you that the meetings are a great place to share your thoughts or even to meet other women in the same place as you are.. i hope it brings you all as much comfort as it brings to me.. 

Lana 

a party in the sky...

This week two beautiful boys celebrated their birthdays - Dominic turned 1 on the 24^th and Christian turned 3 on the 26^th. How I wish you were both here, with your lovely mothers and families. I have no doubt that both of you are looking down smiling at your brand new little siblings. I’m sorry we couldn’t be there for your party in the sky, but we will always look up and think of you both. Happy birthday little men!

Matilda Bear...

Matilda Bear was born at 9:29pm on Wednesday the 5th August 2009. 

I have a blood condition (Anti-phosp.holipid Anti.body Synd.rome) that causes my blood to clot unnecessarily. I am on treatment for life.. I like to refer to this condition as sludgeblood.. As a result of being "treated" I am, I suppose, a drug induced haemophiliac! Having this condition was always going to affect my ability to carry a baby to full term. 

However, we believed we were in the best care, doing the right thing and were eagerly awaiting the arrival of our P-nut. Alas, this is how our story unfolds... Upon finding out we were pregnant, I was moved off my medication onto one that would not cross the placenta and moved into the care of an excellent OB (I can not praise him enough). We attended our appointments with him and we were all pleased with how the pregnancy was progressing. At our 14 week appointment he pointed out how p-nut was "a good looking baby" and he was happy with the development.. she remained on track to be born early December 09. 

Up until now we had been controlled not to buy too many little things - adamant to wait until we knew wether it would be pink or blue... we only bought the things we knew wouldn't matter.. the car seat, the pram, the bassinet... we were having the backyard finished and the laundry done so the little one would have somewhere to play and somewhere to be washed... At our 19 week scan appointment, the sonographer told us the news we were eagerly awaiting - P-nut was a girl! Boy were we chuffed! she also mentioned that P-nut was measuring 2 weeks small for her dates.. but we had no idea what this meant.. mum said i was a small baby too so i didnt worry too much. 

Two weeks later my partner was off in Victoria having some R&R before he started a new job. I took my mum to the 21 week OB appointment..it was Thursday.. i had a feeling something was wrong.. Matilda (we had decided on her name now) was not moving as much and I just felt very average.. but i tired to think positive and went to the appointment hoping to be told she was still a good looking baby.. Could the outcome have been further from my hopes.. I have no idea how long i was in that room.. as soon as the ultrasound machine was turned on I knew something was wrong - p-nuts heart was still strong but there was next to no fluid around her.. he confirmed what I feared and booked me into see a specialist 4 days later.. he told me that there was very little chance that p-nut would be alive at the next scan...

I had no idea how to react to this.. all i remember him saying was "she probably wont make it to the next scan" - I didn't get why he was saying this - she was still alive i could see her little heart beat.. it was strong! how was I supposed to tell my partner this news over the phone...the day before he was so excited telling me how he'd bought his little girl a dress for christmas.. somehow I managed to tell him and somehow he managed to get home earlier than he had planned.. that was perhaps the longest weekend of my life... 

I layed on the couch feeling every little movement Matilda made.. knowing that they were likely to be her last... willing myself to think positively.. I know in my heart that she passed away on Sunday morning.. On Monday we went to the specialist and heard the dreaded words.. I was booked in to the hospital on wednesday the 5th August where I gave birth to our beautiful baby bear... she was so perfect in every way just tiny.. the tiniest little human being I'd ever seen.. so hard to imagine... so hard to believe.. 

We have since been back to the specialist and he gives us hope that we will be able to try again using a different treatment regime and hopefully we will have a different result... but that doesn't make the prospect of being pregnant again any easier to deal with..

do you ever get the feeling...

do you ever get the feeling that you want to go home.. and then you realise you are home..

like you want your life back and then you realise that this is your life...

thats me..

not a good way to start a weekend... but that is just when i am..

in a dark, sad, lonely, foreign place....

bubby...

sweet girl.. your unicorn arrived today... i named her tilly and registered a star in your name.. i choose a star in the crux constellation.. thats the southern cross one... i chose that one because its right above our house and every time i stand in the backyard and stare into the sky it's the one constellation i always see... i hope you like it... i hope your out there having fun playing in the stars..

i miss you baby.. daddy misses you too.. it was his birthday on the weekend and we were sitting in a lovely restaurant having dinner and then we started talking about you and how if you were born in december that you would have been one month old.. dad said he would give up everything to have you here... he doesn't say things out loud but i know his heart is broken just as much as mine...

anyhow darling girl i hope you are well - i love you forever!

xxxxxxxx

Bubby...

sweet girl,

i miss you today.. i miss you every day more than words can say but yet some days i miss you even more.. i don't understand it myself but thats just how i feel..

today is your dad's birthday... im sure he too wishes you were here to give him special bday snuggles and to wake him up screaming in the middle of the night.. you would have been a little over a month old...

i hope you are safe and warm and playing to your hearts content where ever you are my baby girl.

i love you..

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Happy Birthday Jamie

Today is a sad day... the kind of day where you get slapped in the face by the world that is "baby loss"...

Today is Jamie's second birthday.. I'm pretty certain she's having a party.. I imagine there are angel cakes - the yummy meringue cupcake types.. I imagine she has her little friends, Dominic and Matilda by her side.. the saddest part is that she is not here on earth celebrating with her mum and dad.. Jamie's mum and I are friends through what you could call a mothers group.. an exclusive one in which mothers come when they have no living babies.. I often wonder how new mothers can just go to a group and become friends - just like that.. with only their children in common.. now days i understand.. Happy birthday sweet girl.. i miss you.. your parents miss you.. and everyone wishes you were here..

Today... my director (my boss' boss) became a grandfather for the first time.. all is well with mother and child.. but today makes me sad.. i remember going into his office to tell him I was pregnant.. he said thats wonderful and proceeded to tell me that his daughter was pregnant too and she was due 1 month after me.. so i suppose the fact that her baby was born alive and well today feels like a slap in the face..

further.. he came into our office a few weeks ago carrying on about what his daughter wanted to name the baby if it was a girl and how much he hated the name etc etc... turns out she wanted to name her baby matilda if it was a girl.. my response was "thats my daughter's name" to which his response was "oh sh*t - i should leave now"

well it is a girl.. i dont know what its name is.. i havent asked.. i hope she named her daughter matilda - i think its a beautiful name... by the same token it would feel like another slap in the face to know that her matilda is alive and mine isn't..

*sigh* i guess the down had to come to 2010 eventually!

Welcome 2010

So now that the new year has officially started.. its been a positive start.. a fellow baby loss mama, who lost her precious Dominic, delivered the beautiful Liam on the 5th Jan. He's very cute and doing well for a 27 weeker!

Liam makes me so happy.. even though i have never met his mother in real life, she is a source of constant support over the past few months. Liam's mother has the same poxy sludge blood that I do and Dominic and Matilda died due to the same condition. So for Liam to make it into this world alive and doing so well is truly a miracle and the source of endless hope in our household! Welcome to the world little Liam!

In other news, discussions in our household of late have included adoption and surrogacy. I know its pretty early in our attempt to get pregnant again but it just kinda came up. I'm glad it did. Now its out in the open and we are both thinking that both options are viable ways of adding to our family. We think that having a little rainbow family like Brangilina would be excellent!

Not a lot else to report.. the year is progressing well!

Happy New Year everyone :)

me..

I was driving home from work this afternoon thinking about how I always seem so down in my blog entries. I came to to conclusion that it is because my blog is pretty much the only avenue in my life that I have, where I can be truly sad. I can be blue at home and my partner is OK with it but apart from that I am always the happy bubbly person I once was.

I am a happy person.. but i do have a broken heart.. I am going to endeavour to have more happy posts!

Wish me luck!

2009, the year that was..

The more I think about what’s to come in 2010, I feel that I need to reflect on what actually happened in 2009.

2009 started off as a great year.. we started off the year in Goa, India, sitting on a beach, eating, drinking, playing cricket and the rest.. we travelled around India and Dubai and returned home mid-Jan.

In late March, BIL came to visit, nothing out of the ordinary.. took a week off to eat and hangout with him.. he left on the 7th April.. I found out I was pregnant on the 7th of April. We had been trying but we were still a bit shocked by the news – in a WOW kinda way!

April.. we were beaming.. told my mother and my brother about the impending baby and all was well.

May, I got a new job.. yay.. a bit more money and a lot more fun than my last job.. End of first trimester – I was telling everyone.. I was the first of my friends to get pregnant – everyone was so excited.. the guys at work began to run a sweep regarding gender and potential names!

June was business as usual - a few more scans, the OB told us we had a "very good looking baby"

July.. we had our 19 week scan - found out we were having a little girl (yayayayaya) - we were told she was a bit small but didn't think anything of it having not been through anything like this before.. my partner got a new job.. quit his old job and went to melbourne for a week to rest! 30th july I had a scan that would shatter all our dreams.. OB told me "your baby most probably wont be alive at the next scan and moved us into the specialists hands..

August.. we met with the specialist only to be told that our baby was no longer alive.. 5th August.. i gave birth to my beautiful girl.. Matilda... the rest of August is very much of a blur..

September.. returned to work.. interesting experience.. some people avoided me, some people ignored what had just happened and a few people said sorry.. later that month i went to the Beyonce concert - i was sooo excited about taking my baby to that concert and now i knew that wouldnt happen.. i cried during the concert but thankfully no one noticed..

October... nothing of great note happened in october..

November.. my birthday was the day i wanted Matilda to be induced.. alot of people told me i was crazy but i wanted to share my day with my bubby.. my birthday was a sad day.. but i was surrounded by friends and kept busy so i made it through..

December.. Matilda's due date was the 13th.. it was meant to be Matilda's first xmas.. I'm glad December is over..