A life's purpose...

On boxing day, there was nothing i wanted more than to wee on a HPT and see those two damn lines.. instead george came one day early and another months hopes were dashed.. on the other hand one of my best friends wanted nothing more than for george to arrive - he was 12 days late at this stage.. i insisted that she took a HPT.. she saw two lines! but she assumed one was an illusion because it wasn't as dark as the other.. never the less.. i was right on the phone to her to explain - i am somewhat of an expert on how HPTs work now! sad i know!

you see they were in no way planning this - as my friend too has complicated blood issues and needs to carefully plan any pregnancies.. none the less by my calculations she was 6 weeks pregnant so i recommended her to my specialist OB that i saw with Matilda.. and I'm soooo happy to hear that they are taking her on... it makes me feel so relieved.. i thought to myself last night.. we would not have known of the specialist OB if we didn't have Matilda.. so simply having her means that my friend and her bub will now be in the best care from the start.. this makes me happy, very happy.. i don't think anyone should ever have to go through the loss of a baby and if this helps my friend in any way it is clear proof that Matilda's short life had a reason.

oh, how i miss my baby girl...

I have a broken heart...

ho bloody ho

That pretty much sums up how i'm feeling this christmas..

1. there are NO presents for matilda under the tree.. this disgusts me.. this should have been her christmas..

2. i am sick of weeing on a stick - admited that we have officially only been trying to have another baby for three months and i know there are alot of people who have been trying for alot longer than that..

3. a girl i work in very close proximity to at work is about to go off on maternity leave and i'm sick of everyone who comes in going on about it - so i spend my days with my ipod turned up as loud as possible in an effort to drown out any baby talk - again i realise that this is not good behaviour but this blog is one of a few places i can vent so please forgive me..

4. im not feeling in the spirit this christmas... generally christmas and my birthday are two of the happiest days of my year.. but this year both have been lacking in festive merriment and spirit!

on the up side i have just bought a diary for 2010 and i am keenly writing everyone's birthdays in it and hoping that the start of a new decade will bring us good things.. while i would like to write off 2009 as the worst year of my life - it is one i will never forget and somehow i feel thankful that i had a chance to meet my Matilda in 2009.

i hope that all the baby loss mama's across the world have a good christmas.. i will be thinking about you all and your wonderful little angels.

finally thank you for making making my journey into the baby loss wilderness a easier one to travel.. i dont often leave comments but i do very often follow your journeys.. xx

see you next decade!

Gift Exchange

Today i noticed on Jamye's blog a gift exchange.. i think this is a lovely way for baby loss mamas to connect.. very similar to what Tina had organised for the month of december.. anyway i believe the rules are that if you are in the first five to enter the give away then you win and the only condition is that you have to repost/rehost a give away on your blog. For my giveaway i would like to offer 5 needle felted bears that i will make for the first five responses to this blog.

This is a picture of the first (and only one) i have made so far - i made it in memory of my baby bear and it is currently sitting in the christmas tree!

Good luck!

Lana

What are you meant to expect when your not expecting (any more)?

Yesterday should have been the day our lives changed. Yesterday should have been the day my daughter was born. Yesterday should have been one of the happiest days of my life. But it wasn't any of those things.

I expected that I would feel sad. I prepared myself for the fact that I might have layed in bed all day crying. I expected the worst. But with the exception of being sad, none of that eventuated.

I woke up knowing that Matilda would never be coming home. I am at peace with that. I dont like that fact but I know it will never be any other way.

Then a strange thing happened. I feel a bit bad about what happened. But it wasn't a conscious thing. I woke up thought about Matilda and then almost immediately had an overwhelming thought about another baby - a boy. I don't know why. I know his name. I don't know if he is mine (or will be). I don't know if he will survive - if he is to be mine. I had recall telling my brother to wash his hands before "he picked him up". What does that mean? Does it mean he is mine? Does it mean he will come home - alive? Was I dreaming?

I was a bit sad because no one really remembered it was Matilda's due date with the exception of my mother and my partner. This morning when i went to work, my boss came in and gave me a bunch of flowers and a beautiful card - all it said was "for Matilda Bear". I am surprised that she remembered. She (and I) are not the emotional fluffy types yet she remembered. She didn't say anything further but it was enough. Enough to know that my daughter was remembered by a person outside of this house. Thank you Rita - even though you will never read this blog!

So right now I am not sure what to expect next...

LB

bubby...

hi bubby,

i'm so sad today... i never thought i would be so sad this week but i am simply devastated.. its like your birthday all over again.. i kinda wish i had taken the week off but then i think at least i have a distraction from being sad at work...

today i went to the shop and i printed out some more of your photos.. i have put one in a frame and have brought it out into the lounge room.. i have put it so that you can face the xmas tree.. i thought about it for a while because i didn't want to upset anyone else in the family.. but then it occurred to me that if the are offended by your photo then they are quiet frankly not welcome in this house! i also got you a xmas hat.. i will put it on chop for you..

i wish so much i could see you in your pretty little dress that dad bought you... but it is not to be..

dads been talking about you a bit more lately.. i think he too is sad knowing what should have been..

i was around the shops and there's xmas things everywhere - but i just don't feel anything.. just blank.. it shouldn't be christmas if your not here...

i hope you are happy little cub.. i miss you terribly

xxx

a safe place to cry

today has been particularly hard.. i don't know why.. well i kind of do.. Sunday should have been Matilda's real birthday..

i had to consciously stop myself from crying while i was sitting in my office today.. i couldn't focus on anything.. instead i bawled my eyes out driving home from work.. somehow i feel i can cry in the car.. when i think about it the car has always been my safe place.. i don't know how that happened... i remember getting the bad news at the obstetrician and staying somewhat composed only to get back to the car and bawl my eyes out.. i cant remember the countless number of times i have cried in the car since.. more often than not i would say i have cried driving home from work..

i hate driving past the damn hospital every day.. knowing that that's where my daughter should have been born - alive...

i was thinking in the car this afternoon, does Matilda know how much i miss her... how could she possibly know, when i myself could never imagine how much i would miss her..

i decided today that i would donate some money on a regular basis in Matilda's memory, that way she can touch the world even though she is no longer here.. so this morning i signed up to a micro financing organisation (kiva) and began Matilda's legacy...

robbed..

today should have been the first day of my maternity leave.. thats making the assumption that i delivered Matilda on her due date.. 13th December 2009...

i should have been running around organising nappies and tidying her room, washing all her little clothes so they were soft and fluffy and ready for her.. i should have been doing so many things..

i feel robbed..

robbed of the experience of being a mother to a living baby.. robbed of the experience of sharing the joy with my beau... robbed of spending christmas cooing in amazement... robbed of the opportunity to ever have a carefree happy stressless pregnancy ever again...

my baby was robbed... robbed of the life she would have had with her dad and i doting on her..

finding it hard not to be angry at the moment.. its not in the spirit of xmas i know, but right now i couldn't care less...

bubby...

Hi Sweetheart..

I have been thinking about you sooo much this past week.. tomorrow is my birthday.. tomorrow i hoped would be your birthday too.. but it wont be..

i dont know how i will feel tomorrow.. but i dont think i will get the chance to write to you so i thought i would just write for you today.. you already know i love you and how much i miss you.. but no matter how many times i say it please know that i mean it each and every time..

we picked up little Rory last weekend - hes a little terror.. cute though so we forgive him for just ab

out everything.. he keeps harassing Gussy.. I'm sure one day soon Gus is going to swipe him badly.. but i can blame Gus.. he is being rather patient.. anyway a picture is attached..

I also thought you might like a picture of dad.. i know he still misses you even though he hardly says anything.. i know he will always love you even though he doesnt say anything..

i hope you are happy and safe where ever you are my little girl..

love you always

xx

bubby...

Hi Baby,

I miss you.. but you know that..

I'm feeling generally poxy... reasons include:

• Today should have been another Tilly's birthday - instead she too had to leave her mum and dad and i hope is with you!
• I heard this story repeatedly on the radio this afternoon.. a lady was being interviewed and her baby was born with deformed hands.. and the announcers kept saying "every mothers nightmare" or something like that.. i tell you what, thats a nightmare i would have liked to have had.. i want to contact them and tell them that that is not everymothers nightmare.. i know they werent saying that to offend anyone but by the same token i wish they realised that there are mummys out there who dont have any hands at all... deformed or otherwise
• if you were still here you would officially be less than four weeks away.. i can imagine how i would have felt.. i can imagine how dad would be running around organising your room and packing my hospital bag neatly (not like i would! hehe) but no.. instead i sit here on the couch with gus next to me and dad away for work.. crying and remembering that in 4 minutes it will have been 15 weeks since you were born..

Sorry to be a downer tonight bubby but i miss you soo very much and i want you back more than anything... im sick of everyone saying what do you want for your birthday or xmas.. i want you.. i want to be able to say "i want my matilda back" and i want the people asking to say "sure no problem" and turn up with you in their arms but i know thats not going to happen..

anyway baby im going to try and be more positive this coming week - its going to be tough...

you are always in my thoughts..

i wish i could give you a snuggle...

:(

ugh...

I am officially over hearing about other people's babies and happy families.. I know thats not nice but thats how I feel..

At work people are starting to forget (I guess) what I have been through.. I dont want them to forget.. I want people to acknowledge you.. Theres another lady in my office who is pregnant.. people ask her questions like when are you due or how many weeks are you and she has the luxury of being blasé about it..

Theres another one who used to work in the area who spent the first 20 weeks of her pregnancy saying that she didnt want to keep her baby if it was a boy.. how can anyone say that? i just dont get it.. and luckily for her she ended up with a daughter.. who she is over the moon with...

hmmpf...

Bubby...

Hi sweetie,

I went to the shops today to buy some christmas presents.. I ended up finding a figurine of a little bear with angel wings.. I bought it for you.. it reminds me of you.. i have put it near your ashes and your photo..

Yesterday we took Hamish to the dog show and the lady we bought him from put him in the dog show and he won!! He is the best boy puppy in WA :) He even won a ribbon! you would have been so proud!

I took some photos of Hamish and Gus today while I was playing with them in the backyard.. I hope you like them.

Miss you baby!

Secret Garden Meeting

Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

Hmmm… good question… I don’t really know… I am still sad every day… I thought I was getting there but now I question that.. just when I think I’m starting to feel better something happens that takes me back to where I was almost three and a half months ago when my baby died. I am two people – firstly the same person I was before my baby died (this is who I am in public) and then theres the me who is still devastated, broken, sitting here on the couch with a shattered heart wondering why me and shedding at least a tear every night.. sigh…

I feel OK but I feel different.. like there’s this new part of me and yet somehow in a strange way that same part is missing.. there is nothing I wouldn’t give to bring that part back but I know that there is nothing I can do to bring her back..

I feel crap when I hear about how other people’s pregnancies are going well.. not because I wish any ill-will on them, but because I am jealous.. its hard to admit that but it’s the truth..

I am also starting to feel angry with people I see parenting in public.. like parents who threaten to break their children’s fingers because they are misbehaving at the supermarket or those who carry their newborns with a cigarette hanging out of their mouths..

I also feel happy some days.. happy that I have a baby girl out there watching over me and her dad..

I hope in the future that I will feel happier, I hope that I will not shed a tear every night.. I hope that we will have a healthy successful pregnancy soon so that Matilda will have a baby sibling… and that her death will not have been in vain..

I feel scared.. scared about how I am going to survive the next few months.. firstly I have to survive my birthday – they day I wanted my baby to be induced, then I have to face my baby’s due date and then somehow I want to survive Christmas knowing that my baby’s Christmas dress is packed away in a box with all her other special things! I hope I survive.. I’m sick of crying..

I have found peace.. I know my baby is gone.. I understand that she will never come back.. I am at peace with that.. I am not at peace with the fact that this happened to me and my lovely partner.. its not fair…

a realisation

I have been reading the blogs of other families who have lost babies and came across a comment saying "it doesnt get better does it?"

I thought about it for a moment and realised that it does get better but it will never be the same... Matilda will always be missing from our lives, but having had her with us for 5 short months has changed my life forever..

My current dilemma... what do you say when people say how many kids do you have? or do you have any kids? Clearly this is a question that only gets asked when you first meet a person.. so do you say none to make them feel better or do you tell them the truth and not ignore the fact that you do have a child? I dunno...

some photos i took for you!

I decided to write Matilda's name on a few things - it makes me feel connected to her in a strange way.. i hope she would like them.. i'm going to try to do this more often so look forward to seeing more!

3 months today

its been 3 months since we met Matilda today.. some days the last 3 months seem to have flown by and other days it feels like just yesterday.. i am trying notto think about the fact that today she would have been 33 weeks - i can remember how i had imagined this day would feel when she was still with us.. i imagined that i would be running around at work finishing things off.. organising things for her homecoming... getting last minute xmas presents sorted because i knew i wouldnt have much time after her birthday.. sigh..

instead i am sitting here on the couch.. wishing i was being kicked from the inside and that there was something jiggling in my tummy.. i am glad i am not at work today - i dont think i would have been able to focus on anything..

a few weeks ago was infant loss rememberance day.. i cant believe there has to be such a day.. i cant believe there are so many people who have been in the exact same spot as i have.. its not fair.. not for any of us..

i have decided to get a tattoo in honour of my baby girl... i think i will do that soon..

we have also started trying for a sibling for matilda.. but to no avail.. yet! we've only tried for one cycle though...

i miss you today like i miss you everyday Tilly Bear!

a new addition

hamish has arrived... hes so cute and i think you would really have liked him.. i can imagine the two of you playing for hours together... he wants to play but the cats dont really want to play with him.. he is one month older than you..

Tommorow will be three months since your birthday... i dont know how i feel about that.. i dont really feel anything.. i feel blank and hollow.. i miss you and i want you back..

i hope you like hamish where ever you are looking at us from!

x

Pink overalls

I was cleaning the room that was meant to be your nursery this evening.. we are having guests on the weekend and seeing as there are beds still in there someone will be sleeping in your room..

I opened up a drawer in the dresser and found all the lovely little things that dad and I bought you.. in particular the cutest pair of pink overalls.. you were going to look so damn cute in them.. i can imagine it now... *sigh*

i didnt delve too far into your drawer - i had forgotten all about those things.. as the really special things are packed away in your suitcase.. i guess the things that were in the drawer would have always been hand me downs.. i hope one day you will have a little sister to do you and your overalls proud..

miss you bubba..

I feel angry.. sad... mad... annoyed...

RPA has long been one of my favourite tv shows… but I can no longer watch it the way I used to.. two reasons… firstly matilda was born during RPA.. I remember laying in the hospital with the TV on.. I couldn’t hear anything – I could see it flickering in the background… secondly.. from time to time there are women with high risk pregnancies on it.. and seeing their stories and hearing they have taken their babies home makes me feel… angry.. mad.. envious…. Last night I thought it was just me feeling this was.. until tim blurted out a comment resembling my sentiment.. while I know we should be sympathetic to other people’s stories, I am glad to know that tim too feels the same way I do..

On the weekend I saw a lady pushing the same pram I had picked out for matilda.. it’s the first time I’ve seen one.. I was annoyed.. angry… sad… why did I have to ring up the shop and return my pram.. why didn’t I get to be the one pushing the pram.. why aren’t I a gushing mother cooing over my little one.. *sigh* its not fair…..

Secret Garden Meeting

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photo's,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

For me coming back to work has been a saving grace.. even though some days are harder than others, I feel like I am doing something productive here.. it also gives me a distraction from dwelling on what’s now missing in our lives.. 

I did get to spend some time with matilda, but no amount of time would ever have been enough. I was lucky enough to get some photos and hand and foot prints from the hospital.. I was able to get a pendant made using the prints I had and this is now one of my treasured possessions.

Im trying to do everything that I would have done for matilda should she have lived.. I know that I would have been a paparazzi  mother.. so I have a photo of my girl on the dresser – just as I would have if she was still with us. I also got a name in the sand done by Carly and have had it put onto canvas.. it’s a bit bigger than I thought it was going to be but I’ve got it on my bedside table! I bought a beautiful birth certificate holder to put her birth certificate in. I have also bought her a lovely trinket box in which I will put her ashes.. it’s the kind of thing I would have bought for her first lock of hair or tooth..

I have also been making tiny beanies for other babies born sleeping… I know how I felt knowing that matilda would be clothed.. unfortunately everything she wore was mismatched… and yellow or white.. so I’ve been knitting pink, white and blue beanies and will be sending them to the perinatal loss service at the hospital.. it helps me to know that other people who ever have to go through the same will know that they aren’t alone and that they will feel the way I did when I saw matilda clothed…

I created a blog – which I use periodically and I post on an online forum regularly.. this has helped a great deal.. my partner is very understanding.. but at the end of the day men and women grieve in different ways.. I like to talk about it and I know he prefers not to talk about as much as I would.. so having an online forum in which to say what I need to get off my chest has been a source of great comfort..

Also this blog which I just discovered.. just typing these words has made me feel better.. knowing that there are other families out there who unfortunately are going through the same thing.. its also given me the courage to put one of my precious few photos online.. knowing that the people who may see it will see her through understanding eyes…

Finally the decision to have another baby has also helped us.. I have a blood condition which caused my baby’s death.. her death however resulted in me being transferred to a specialist who deals with women in my situation on a daily basis.. this gives us hope that when we try to have another baby, things may be different..

Bubby...

Bubby, its been 9 weeks since you left us… I still miss you.. got some more photos of you from the hospital this week – I can’t believe how perfect you were.. so small and perfect… 

Bubby...

My sweet bubby... been wondering this afternoon.. what i would say to you if i had one chance to talk to you.. i guess i would tell you i loved you very much even though we only played together for a short time.. i would also like to tell you not to be scared and im so sorry if you felt any pain in your little life. Your dad and i love you so much and we wonder why you were put into our life.. why were we lucky enough to have you as our daughter? perhaps there is some almighty zen reasoning behind why we had you.. rest assured we will always treasure you..

i wish i could have taken you to beyonce next week... i wish even more that you were still here.. i miss you sooooo very much.. i cant understand how it is possible to miss someone that much... 

its not fair that your ashes have to be on the dresser.. i wish you were jumping on our bed waking us up instead.. one day baby girl..

Bubby...

Every day I have things I want to tell you... now I have a place where I can...

I miss you so much. I want to meet you. I will never forget you.  I love you.