Secret Garden Meeting

Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

Hmmm… good question… I don’t really know… I am still sad every day… I thought I was getting there but now I question that.. just when I think I’m starting to feel better something happens that takes me back to where I was almost three and a half months ago when my baby died. I am two people – firstly the same person I was before my baby died (this is who I am in public) and then theres the me who is still devastated, broken, sitting here on the couch with a shattered heart wondering why me and shedding at least a tear every night.. sigh…

I feel OK but I feel different.. like there’s this new part of me and yet somehow in a strange way that same part is missing.. there is nothing I wouldn’t give to bring that part back but I know that there is nothing I can do to bring her back..

I feel crap when I hear about how other people’s pregnancies are going well.. not because I wish any ill-will on them, but because I am jealous.. its hard to admit that but it’s the truth..

I am also starting to feel angry with people I see parenting in public.. like parents who threaten to break their children’s fingers because they are misbehaving at the supermarket or those who carry their newborns with a cigarette hanging out of their mouths..

I also feel happy some days.. happy that I have a baby girl out there watching over me and her dad..

I hope in the future that I will feel happier, I hope that I will not shed a tear every night.. I hope that we will have a healthy successful pregnancy soon so that Matilda will have a baby sibling… and that her death will not have been in vain..

I feel scared.. scared about how I am going to survive the next few months.. firstly I have to survive my birthday – they day I wanted my baby to be induced, then I have to face my baby’s due date and then somehow I want to survive Christmas knowing that my baby’s Christmas dress is packed away in a box with all her other special things! I hope I survive.. I’m sick of crying..

I have found peace.. I know my baby is gone.. I understand that she will never come back.. I am at peace with that.. I am not at peace with the fact that this happened to me and my lovely partner.. its not fair…