Yesterday should have been the day our lives changed. Yesterday should have been the day my daughter was born. Yesterday should have been one of the happiest days of my life. But it wasn't any of those things.
I expected that I would feel sad. I prepared myself for the fact that I might have layed in bed all day crying. I expected the worst. But with the exception of being sad, none of that eventuated.
I woke up knowing that Matilda would never be coming home. I am at peace with that. I dont like that fact but I know it will never be any other way.
Then a strange thing happened. I feel a bit bad about what happened. But it wasn't a conscious thing. I woke up thought about Matilda and then almost immediately had an overwhelming thought about another baby - a boy. I don't know why. I know his name. I don't know if he is mine (or will be). I don't know if he will survive - if he is to be mine. I had recall telling my brother to wash his hands before "he picked him up". What does that mean? Does it mean he is mine? Does it mean he will come home - alive? Was I dreaming?
I was a bit sad because no one really remembered it was Matilda's due date with the exception of my mother and my partner. This morning when i went to work, my boss came in and gave me a bunch of flowers and a beautiful card - all it said was "for Matilda Bear". I am surprised that she remembered. She (and I) are not the emotional fluffy types yet she remembered. She didn't say anything further but it was enough. Enough to know that my daughter was remembered by a person outside of this house. Thank you Rita - even though you will never read this blog!
So right now I am not sure what to expect next...
LB
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