today has been particularly hard.. i don't know why.. well i kind of do.. Sunday should have been Matilda's real birthday..
i had to consciously stop myself from crying while i was sitting in my office today.. i couldn't focus on anything.. instead i bawled my eyes out driving home from work.. somehow i feel i can cry in the car.. when i think about it the car has always been my safe place.. i don't know how that happened... i remember getting the bad news at the obstetrician and staying somewhat composed only to get back to the car and bawl my eyes out.. i cant remember the countless number of times i have cried in the car since.. more often than not i would say i have cried driving home from work..
i hate driving past the damn hospital every day.. knowing that that's where my daughter should have been born - alive...
i was thinking in the car this afternoon, does Matilda know how much i miss her... how could she possibly know, when i myself could never imagine how much i would miss her..
i decided today that i would donate some money on a regular basis in Matilda's memory, that way she can touch the world even though she is no longer here.. so this morning i signed up to a micro financing organisation (kiva) and began Matilda's legacy...
When I am alone in the car I tend to always bawl. Sometimes I find myself in tears even when my son is in the back. I have learned how to cry silent very well. I love your idea about donating in Matilda's memory. It helps enormously when you are doing something in honor of their memory. I am so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss of your beautiful and precious Matilda.
ReplyDeleteI usually keep myself composed and then let it all out in the car. I feel the tears welling up, have enough time to get in the car, and it all comes out. If I need to cry at work, I'll go straight to the bathroom, I just won't let myself cry in front of others.
I also donate money in memory of my son, Bailey. I believe his memory will continue by doing this.
Take care.
Fiona
xxx