that dreaded question

I notice that a number of my fellow BLM carrying rainbow babies are currently experiencing that dreaded question - "is this your first" and the many versions in which is comes...

I have been thinking about the question alot and how I wanted to answer it.. I felt like if i had an answer prepared in my head then it would be alot easier to answer without getting emotional. I think I had arrived at this decision because I am starting to show and also starting to tell people and because it is nearly Matilda's birthday.

A few days ago I went to a day spa... i booked in for a pregnancy massage... i just KNEW the girl was going to ask me... and she did... is this your first - all i said was yes... why? because she looked all of 17 years old and i couldn't bring myself to shatter her innocence.. i have no doubt she saw my tattoo of Matilda's name.. but she never asked me about it... she then carried on with the questions about whether i knew the sex and if i was excited etc...

on Sunday gone, i was at the football, I've been going for the past 16 years and i sit near the same family every week and this week out of no where the mother of the family asked me if i "had any kids?" she has three - the last of which is a 10 month old girl and would have been approximately Matilda's age. All i could do was point to my belly - i couldn't bring myself to say anything in addition..

I hate myself for not telling them about Matilda... it is in no way because i doubt her as my first baby... i just don't need the sympathy looks from another person - you know? the lady at the football i see on a regular basis and i don't  want her to think of me as that person whose baby died all the time.. i just want to be "normal" in some aspects of my life. Funnily enough she never knew about my pregnancy with Matilda because I never really showed due to her IUGR.

*sigh*