ok im going to vent here... just a warning...
why do people think that just because i am pregnant again that i am OVER the loss of my child?? case in point... a lady returned to work in our branch in the last week - shes been on maternity leave.... she's had 12 months off work to play with and bond with her child...
she knew i was pregnant but her daughter was born one month before Matilda was born... but she knows what happened... upon returning to work she comes up to me to offer her congratulations... i have a new stance on this salutation - i dont want to hear it until i bring my baby home...alive... regardless i accepted it and said that not many people knew and i'd like it to remain that way - i am not sure how she found out...
following my saying this, she proceeds to offer me her babies things, i was a bit shocked but i managed to respond with , no thanks we are waiting for this one to be born before we start getting it things - we have most things already so theres no urgency - to which her response was, "yes thats a good idea".... seriously what the hell does that mean.. one minute your offering me your stuff and the next your saying its best i dont take it?? i dont need you undermining my ability to carry this baby and bring him home alive! i do that enough on my own thank you very much...
a few days later, she corners me towards the end of the day to ask how i am doing, if im getting enough support at work with this new pregnancy etc... i responded politely and left it at that..
next morning, she comes into the office declaring how its her babys first birthday next week, how time flies, blah blah blah.... not to mention all the carry on about how the kid doesnt sleep and its making her life hell! and all i cant think of is "yeah my baby is nearly a year old too and shes not here... and time hasnt flown one bit... i still miss her every day etc etc etc..."
later that day she bring her child into the office and brings it over to me... and tries to introduce it to me - i smiled politely and kept doing my work... i feel like she thinks that just because im pregnant again im ok with hearing about and seeing her kid... well im not!
i feel like its being rubbed in my face... i think i feel particular angst towards this person because before she knew the gender of her child, she made comments like "if its a boy ill give it up for adoption" lucky for her she got a girl...
its not that i dont care... its more that i cant handle it.. i still cant face new borns and 1 years olds... because looking at them is a constant reminder of what i dont have... i particularly struggle with girls and those that are around the same age as my girl...
needless to say i came home that night and was a wreck... this is already a difficult month and i really dont need my face rubbed in it... even if its unintentional... *sigh*
my only saving grace is that she is leaving in the next week for good and im secretly super happy that thats one less comparison to matilda that i will have to endure on a regular basis in future..
sorry people, thankyou for listening... i needed to get this out as im home alont at the moment and have no one to vent to in the real world!
Oh Lana, I understand your feelings and that woman in your office really annoys me too. I would be aggravated with that as well! (I also kind of laughed when you kept referring to her baby as "it") lol! People just don't understand. I wish they wouldn't assume things like that, but unfortunately they do. Unless this never happened to them, they will never get it and continue to judge. (((HUGS))) to you!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Lana. I went through the same emotions as you (including not telling people I was pregnant, and them not understanding why I didn't tell), and even though I've now got my sweet little boy after losing Bailey, it's still very hard to deal with babies that are the same age as Bailey - wishing he was here with me, too, doing all the things babies his age does. The hardest place for me to be without Bailey, is at our Church - I can't connect with anyone there anymore - I feel judged and alone there.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy for you that after she leaves you won't have to deal with her anymore.
xxx